Friendship Is a Verb: Little Things That Keep Relationships Strong
Relationships live inside us. The mere thought of a person who is important to us can generate hormones and other chemicals that travel through our blood and affect our hearts, our brains, and numerous other body systems.
Waldinger & Schulz, 2023: 175
There’s something very special about a good friend; to be seen and accepted as you are, to receive and give comfort and support, to bear witness to each other’s journey through life. And it’s not just a nice sentiment; research backs up the importance of relationships.
The Harvard Adult Development Study highlights a key point: relationships are the bedrock of both physical health and emotional well-being. Strong social connections not only buffer against stress but also bolster our immune systems, reducing the risk of illness and increasing longevity. Emotionally nurturing relationships provide a safe harbour and foster resilience in the face of life's challenges.
What matters is not just who we consider to be family, but what our closest relationships mean to us over the course of our lives.
Waldinger & Schulz, 2023: 203
Developing, nurturing and keeping friendships isn’t just something our kids need help with at times. As adults, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and to play out unconscious relationship templates from our backpack of life.
What's a "backpack of life"? The “Backpack of life” is a fantastic family therapy metaphor for what we carry with us through life – all the experiences and lessons handed down across the generations and what life gives us over time, including the positives, the challenges, the scary, the amazing, and even the adverse experiences. Learning about your Backpack can increase your potential to live intentionally and make choices about how you'd like to be in life.
Find out in this animation.
So, in this blog, I am sharing some key ideas to help you with your friendships, which will be great for you and fantastic to model for your kids and teens.
Friendship love maps
“Love Maps help you develop greater personal insight and a more detailed understanding of each other’s life and world.”
I love the idea of love maps from the Gottmans. It’s not just great for romantic relationships; it’s also fantastic for friendships.
A great way to invest in friendships and show you value the person is to be interested in what makes up their life…even if it’s not a shared interest.
Get curious about what’s happening in their life and what matters to them. Use this information to create your mental love map, and then once you have a map, the map can guide your next connection, helping you to be curious about how things are going. E.g., remembering to ask about how their family dinner went with the in-laws that they’d been worried about, or how their work project is coming along.
When we take a genuine interest in our friends, hold them in mind and demonstrate valuing them in this way, we strengthen the relationship and give them a gift.
“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”
William Shakespeare
Boundaries and the I-Position
A few years ago, I reconnected with a friend I’d been really close with, but with whom a distance had grown. She was delighted when I reached out to reconnect…and also let me know she wanted to clear the air. You see, when I’d become a mum, I was learning to juggle family, parenting, life and work, and I had dropped the ball on some friendships. My friend let me know that at that time she had set a boundary around her time and energy, and her I-position (I-Position is what you are and are not willing to do) was that she’d remain open-hearted as a friend but stop doing all the friendship work. She valued reciprocity.
I completely understood her position, appreciated her open communication, and valued her open-heartedness…I also made sure to focus on relationship repair, including apologising, changing my behaviour, and increasing my friendship investment.
It can be really helpful to take a moment to consider:
What are your boundaries in friendships?
What are your values regarding friendship?
What is your I-Position?
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
Brené Brown
"Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach them where the door is."
Mark Groves
When big troubles hit, let your friends be there for you… and still show up for them
“Friendship is born in that moment when one person says to another: What, you too? I thought I was the only one.”
C S Lewis
Some people I talk to tell me that they don’t want to be a burden to their friends. Or they worry about bringing friends down. But here’s the thing – life is messy and tricky for everyone at some point, and it’s not our job to protect our friends from ever having sad or troubling news.
A close, caring friend will most likely want to show up for you in the best way they know how e.g., sit beside you through pain, offer relief with positive distractions, send messages of love and encouragement. The trick is to not expect every friend to be perfectly able to do everything all the time. Take the love when and how it comes.
You give people a gift when you let them help you. How does that work, you ask? Well, take a minute to think what it would add to your friend’s life to know they’d shown up for you.
And remember to ask after your friends, even in troubled times…they might feel they should just be there for you, but you aren’t there to fix each other, just to be together and that matters.
“No matter how strong we are, how independent we are, how self- sufficient we are, we are still biologically tuned for friendship. When the going gets tough, even the tough benefit from having friends.”
Waldinger & Schulz, 2023: 256
Rupture and repair
When you mess up, which we all do from time to time… here’s a great concept to remember: rupture and repair. All relationships have ruptures, and it’s the repair that matters. Actually, a good repair can leave the relationship even stronger and more beautiful, as we are reminded by the art of Kintsugi.
A good apology will go a long way and be more effective and helpful than sweeping a problem, misunderstanding or unintended hurt under the carpet. It definitely feels uncomfortable and awful to know you’ve done something hurtful, and I understand you will want to get rid of that feeling ASAP, but a genuine repair needs more than a faux apology and a quick move on.
If you can’t show up with a genuine apology, what you are communicating is that the other person’s experience doesn’t matter…and by proxy that they don’t really matter.
So, what does make up a good apology? Here’s a list of 9 essential ingredients for an apology from Family Therapist and Psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of “Why Won’t You Apologise:
1. A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”).
2. Focuses on your actions, not the other person’s response.
3. Does not overdo (with your pain and remorse)
4. Doesn’t get caught in blame or “who started it”
5. Is backed by corrective action
6. Requires you to not do a repeat performance
7. Is not about silencing the other person
8. Is not about making you feel better at the expense of the other person
9. Recognises when “I’m sorry” is not enough, that recovering from breaches in trust and betrayal takes time
Find our more here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-dance-connection/201409/the-9-rules-true-apologies
When offering an apology, it can be incredibly challenging to listen without defensiveness, and to take ownership and responsibility. Becoming aware of our defensiveness is an important first step to then be able to breathe and listen in a wholehearted, non-defensive way. But when a person does apologise for their part, it shows the capacity to take responsibility and to value the relationship.
“It can take great courage to open a conversation and apologise for something we wish we had handled differently in the past” (Lerner, 2017: 7). And yet, it matters so much. “The need for apologies, and repair is a singularly human one – both on the giving and receiving ends. We are hardwired to seek justice and fairness (however we see it), so the need to receive a sincere apology that’s due is deeply felt. We are also imperfect human beings and prone to error and defensiveness, so the challenge of offering a heartfelt apology permeates almost every relationship” (Lerner, 2017: 11).
Closeness and distance fluctuate in friendships
Different stages of life have different pockets of amazingness, challenges and tasks/requirements, and these different pockets impact friendships in terms of time available, proximity, and other life demands.
It’s easy to spend a lot of time together as friends when we are young and carefree, with few demands on our time and resources. It’s much trickier when you are in the throes of family life, taking your kids to extracurriculars, helping with homework, and juggling getting the kids to specialist appointments with working inside and for some outside the home…especially when your friends are doing the same juggle.
It can be helpful to lower the bar and accept how life stage shapes opportunities to connect with friends as you find ways to stay connected enough. Think quality over quantity of time together/interactions, have grace for yourself and your friends, and accept and do what’s possible. Know that you can be in someone’s heart even when you’re not in regular contact.
And remember, it’s a guarantee that this stage of life will change too as you move into the next stage of family life…and you’ll only have your kids home for so many summers before you have more time to invest in friendships.
Different types of friends
Not all friendships are created equal and alike, and that’s a good thing.
When I work with kids and teens, a metaphor I use is “friendship boxes” to help consider the different types of friends. This is also a great concept for adults. One box is for close friends. Other boxes might be for work friends, soccer mum friends, school pickup friends, or friends you share specific interests with, e.g., the friend who loves live music and can always be counted on to go to a concert with you or play a round of golf even though you don’t catch up regularly.
Friendship boxes are a helpful concept because we can match our expectations and boundaries to the friendship “box”, giving ourselves and our friends more grace, allowing us to be relaxed and enjoy what the friendship offers.
Some friends are good listeners, some are good fun, some are willing to be the mirror we need held up to us at times, some are great to help talk things through and problem-solve. Some are a few of these together, and some just one. All are valuable.
“...a relationship doesn’t have to be one of our most frequent or intimate contacts to be valuable.”
Waldinger & Schulz, 2023: 262
“Small moments can provide an uplift for our mood, and they can help balance out some of the stress we feel.”
Waldinger & Schulz, 2023: 263
Avoid over-functioning – learn to be with and check in
Depending on how we were raised and what’s in our backpack of life, some of us will be prone to over-function…to step in, especially when we can see a real need and keep doing and doing and doing… at a cost to our own energy levels and family. Whether it’s a friend with a preemie baby, a mental health downturn, or a tribe of kids (some with special needs), it can be tempting to want to rescue, problem-solve, and fix what a friend is going through.
But sometimes the best thing we can do is just “be with”. Knowing you’re not alone and that you are valued regardless of what you are managing and the state of your house matters.
If you are moved to go beyond being with and helping your friend out, here are a few tips:
Consider the difference between helping and over-functioning
Decide on your I-position (what, how much and how often you can help)
Ask them what type of help they’d like. Maybe they’d like company and a coffee, maybe just a friend to see them and their messy life and fully accept them because then it’s easier to accept themselves; maybe it’s babysitting so they can take a walk or attend an event. And maybe what they need is more than you can offer, but you can be a sounding board and brainstorm support options. Checking in is also great because it shows your respect for and belief in your friend.
Remember, you’ll be no good to your friend, yourself or your family if you run yourself ragged and burn out emotionally and/or physically. And this definitely won’t help your friendship.
“We - human beings - are happier when we feel connected to others. And so far I have yet to discover a more powerful force to explain human happiness than the fulfilment of our longing for love, friendship and community.”
Meik Wiking
Regardless of how old we are, relationships matter.
“No matter how strong we are, how independent we are, how self- sufficient we are, we are still biologically tuned for friendship. When the going gets tough, even the tough benefit from having friends.”
Waldinger & Schulz, 2023: 256
Which of these ideas most caught your attention?
How will you invest in your friendships moving forward? What will you keep doing? What will you do differently?
If you are a parent of carer, which ideas will be most helpful for your kids and teens?
Leonie :)
Dr Leonie White - Clinical Family Therapist and Psychologist
Helping people grow, connect and thrive in life’s unique journey.
Please note - this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapy advice.
Please seek help from a professional if you require support.
Photo Attribution:
Photo from Canva Pro & Vecteezy Pro
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