A Lesson From my Mini Dachshund

drleoniewhite
5 minutes ago
3 min read

I accidentally trained my dog to do this.

It’s super cute but has the potential to become an annoyance …. A lot like some of our kids' behaviour that we accidentally “train” them to do.

This is Cowboy, my mini dachshund. He’s super cute, and one day when I was hanging washing, he just started flopping down on his back, giving me the super cute side eye. It was soooo cute, so I gave him a belly scratch! That was just enough positive reinforcement for him to do it every time I hung washing … and also to run in front of me and flop down when I’m doing yard work like gardening. He’s clever so he knows I am going to garden when he sees me with my gardening gloves.

How does this relate to kids? We often accidentally reinforce behaviours that aren’t really what we are trying to shape up in the awesome humans we are raising into adults.

We can accidentally reinforce behaviours we don’t want that aren’t great.

Picture this … your young kids, 5-year-old and 7 year old, are playing, but it always turns into an argument that escalates with big emotions and spicey words. And that’s when you come in, when it’s got to “that point”. What’s the accidental lesson? You need to get to “that point” before a parent helps. Instead, keep an ear open to the tone of voice and jump in to coach them in the game/interaction before the proverbial hits the fan.

Here’s another way to think about it. For kids, any attention is better than no attention. Trust me - this is just a developmental fact of life. Connection is a biological imperative and kids will unconsciously seek it any way they can. What this means in reality is that when we are under the pump with work, keeping the house running, helping our aging parents etc we can have reduced energy for our kids who can get a bit “ratty” and then we’ve got to intervene and do something, even if it’s rousing on them. But here’s the thing – because one of our kids' prime directives is for connection … and any connection is better than none… even “negative” attention/connection, and we can end up in unhelpful patterns of reactive parenting.

It’s not conscious, intentional or manipulative. It’s an evolutionary biological imperative. And it plays out as escalation leading to connection.

So what do you do instead?

Catch your kids “being good”.
Find micro moments of connection with your kids.
Schedule one-on-one time when you can.
Give yourself grace and compassion for those days when everything is too much. Tomorrow is always a new day, and kids don’t need perfect parents (even if such a thing existed).
Focus on what you want to see in your kids, intentionally notice this and shape it up e.g., “Thanks for helping bringing the groceries in mate”, “I like how patient you were with [your little sibling]”, give a wink or high five when you see something you want to shape up, give a wink, pat on the shoulder, smile or kind word when you see something you like. Don’t go over the top, especially with teens. Sometimes keeping it subtle and low-key is best.
And just remember - the behaviour you pay attention to is the behaviour you get more of.