Making Space for the Full Story: Words Matter When Kids Are Struggling
- drleoniewhite
- 1 day ago
- 6 min read
As parents, it’s so easy to get caught in a particular way of seeing our kids—especially when things are tough. Maybe your child is struggling with anxiety, refusing to go to school, melting down at bedtime, or withdrawing from friends. These problems tend to pull our attention into a narrow focus. Before long, it can feel like all we’re seeing is the problem…the anxiety, anger, behaviour, etc.
But here’s the thing: the problem is just one story, and actually, life is multistoried.
Our children are more than just their worries, their outbursts, or their struggles. They’re also creative, curious, brave, funny, kind, loving, interesting, imaginative, and strong. The trouble is, when a problem gets too much airtime, it can start to become the only story. And becoming the only story is a problem that can then make the initial problem feel even worse or bigger or more stuck.
Author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie talks about “the danger of a single story.” In narrative therapy, I often discuss how problems can attempt to dominate the way we perceive our own lives and those of others, shrinking everything else into the background. As parents, when we fall into a single-story perspective, we risk losing sight of our child’s full, rich, and complex self, and we miss the opportunity to support positive change and resilience building.
You can watch Chimamanda’s TED Talk here
This is where a fantastic, helpful idea from Narrative Therapy comes in - externalising language. It’s an idea that anyone can borrow and that can help with parenting in tough times.
What Is Externalising?
Externalising is a core practice in narrative therapy. It's all about separating the person from the problem. Instead of saying, “My child is anxious”, we might say, “Worry has been visiting my child lately.” Instead of, “She’s shy”, we could ask, “Is the shy feeling trying to get in the way right now?”
We think of people as being relationship with a problem, not being the problem, and work on changing the relationship with the problem e.g., turning down the voice of anxiety, getting distance from perfectionism or reducing the influence of anger.
This shift in language makes a big difference.
Externalising helps your child feel less blamed, less judged, and less defined by the problem. It also gives you—the parent—a fresh way of seeing your child. You’re no longer looking at a child who is a difficult or defiant child. You’re seeing a child who is facing a challenge, navigating something, wrestling with an emotion. And that opens the door to compassion, curiosity, and connection. And then that opens the door to different ways to respond to problem, so that we have more options in terms of tools in our parenting toolkit. And that matters because when we keep using the same tool, e.g., placating or arguing, then we keep getting stuck in unhelpful loops that leave our kids and ourselves feeling awful and stuck. What we want to do instead is get out of stuck patterns and develop more helpful patterns.
Some Externalising Phrases You Can Try
While there is no magic solution or phrase, it’s helpful to start to play with externalizing language in your own way and you might find it useful.
Here are a few examples you might use to get you started, when your child is feeling anxious, shy, frustrated, or overwhelmed:
“What’s the worry telling you right now?” This helps externalise the anxious thoughts instead of seeing them as the child’s truth.
“Is the shy feeling trying to stop you from speaking up?” This opens space to talk about the feeling rather than being overwhelmed by it.
“How can you bring your brave closer?” This reminds your child they have bravery inside them—even if they’re not feeling it just now.
“Has anger been getting in the driver’s seat today?” This frames anger as something to understand and manage, not something that defines the child.
“It sounds like anxiety’s turned up the volume today.”Gently names the feeling as separate from your child and acknowledges how strong it’s feeling right now.
“What do you notice anxiety saying to you?” This helps your child step back and observe anxious thoughts instead of being overwhelmed by them.
“When anxiety gets loud, what helps you turn it down?” This reminds your child they have tools and choices to change their relationship with anxiety—it supports agency and confidence.
These kinds of questions might feel a bit unusual at first—but kids tend to respond really well to them. It helps them make sense of their inner world without feeling like they are the problem. It avoids feelings of helplessness or shame, and it invites them to stand in a position of strength and agency.
A New Lens for Parents Too
Externalising and understanding the power of life being multistoried isn’t just for kids—it’s a powerful shift for us as parents too.
When we start using this language, something begins to change in the way we see our children. Instead of getting stuck in frustration or despair, we start to remember that our child is still their full, wonderful self. Even when they’re struggling.
We can start to ask ourselves:
“What’s the worry trying to take away from my child right now?”
“What values or strengths can I help them reconnect with?”
“What stories of courage or kindness have I seen in them lately, even in small ways?”
This helps us hold onto a multistoried view—one where the problem gets acknowledged but doesn’t get to take over the whole show.
Building on Externalizing – What else can you do as a parent
Think of your child as a tapestry—woven from many different threads. Their big emotions, mental health challenges, or experiences of adversity are just one thread. To support your child’s wellbeing and resilience, we need to nurture the rest of the tapestry too.
Here are some ways to do that:
Notice and grow the parts of life that bring joy, connection, and lightness.
Help your child see themselves as capable, funny, creative, and caring—not just “anxious” or “dysregulated.”
Make space for activities that build joy, skill, and confidence—like baking, sport, art, time in nature, chess, bike riding, shared humour, or playing with pets.
Spend time simply enjoying your child. Yes, that matters—a lot.
Gently remind your child (and yourself): they are not the problem.
Sometimes the biggest changes come not from “fixing” the problem, but from helping children experience themselves differently. When kids feel connected, capable, and enjoyed, something powerful starts to shift. They begin to grow in confidence, in hope, and in their sense of who they are.
Improving mental health and resilience isn’t always about focusing on problems. In fact, some of the most meaningful changes happen when we grow what’s already working—those moments that stand outside the problem story.
When children experience themselves as competent, enjoyable, and engaged in life, their identity and sense of agency begin to flourish. And that’s the soil where resilience grows.
Final Thoughts
Being a parent is wonderful… and it’s hard work. And when your child is facing emotional or behavioural struggles, it’s easy to feel discouraged or stuck. But remember: you don’t have to solve everything at once. Just focusing on your relationship with your child, “being with” them, and even small changes in the way we talk about problems and how we pay attention to other aspects of life outside the problem can create big shifts in our relationship with our kids and in our kids themselves.
Thinking about life being a tapestry and using externalising language gives us a simple, practical way to stand with our children—not against them. It reminds us that they are not broken or bad. They are brave, growing, and full of potential.
The problem is the problem. Your child is not the problem.
And in that small but powerful shift, a whole new story can begin.
Dr Leonie White
Clinical Family Therapist and Psychologist
Helping people grow, connect and thrive in life’s unique journey.
Please note - this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapy advice.
Please seek help from a professional if you require support.
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